Stuck.

To fear is one thing.  To let fear grab you by the tail and swing you around is another.
~ Katherine Paterson

And swinging me around it is.

Stupid college. Stupid, stupid college. Even more, stupid me. Stupid me for only applying to one place that has high standards and won't give me an acceptance answer until March, while everyone else on the face of Earth is getting theirs to these great Universities that I would be lucky to ever be accepted.

And here I am, complaining and whining and crying because I always get the point where I explode. And I know my friends are sick of it, but I have no one else to turn to right now.

The more I think about it the more I cry, and the more I feel dumb for worrying. But I feel justified. Lots of kids have "back-up" schools, and lots are getting into their dream schools. Me? I have Mitchell as my backup. There isn't anything wrong with going to Mitchell. But I'd feel so stuck because everyone else is getting their first year of school in, and me? Just a few classes so I can wait for a year and THEN apply for Mitchell's Nursing program.

I also feel like everyone has always had it easier (I know this isn't the case, just how I feel). Money-wise, car-wise, and now college-wise.

I'm just scared and fearful, and I NEED March to be here, like, now. I feel better than I did, I just needed to vent via typing, I guess.

Hopefully I'll calm down, be patience, and well.. get accepted.

The licensed driver.

It's been a very long time since I've posted, so I'm going to try and wrap up the past month.

Christmas: Awesome. Got a laptop from my love, an awesome handmade necklace from my sister, and the promise of car insurance.

New Years: Had dinner at Alex's mom's house, it was deLISH. Began driving more.

Recently: Finished this hell-of-a-semester, didn't have to take the anatomy final, and got my license today (1/18/13).

Want a fun story about obtaining my license? I was originally going to do the road test yesterday, but it had been raining for three days and half of Taylorsville had standing water (even though mom and I had driven all the way there). We called today and they were giving them, so we went.

 I know DMV employees aren't rainbows and sunshine, but this woman was kind-of rude (or so it seemed). I apologized for the creaks my car producers (fender rubs against tire, the brakes squeak, etc) and past that, I was doing ok. We turned on a secluded road, and she asked me to perform the 3-point road turn. I did it pretty well. Then came to backing up straight. Here's the issue - I am 5'4" and my car is a BOAT. She expected me to be able to see the road from the back window, without looking in any of the other mirrors provided, and back up straight. I looked backed, hoping I was staying on the road, and when she asked me to stop, I turned about to see that I was on the other side. She kind of sighed and asked me to return to the office. I wanted to cry. I knew I had failed.
Turns out, I didn't (by some grace of something).

My friend said (quoting this): A mutual friend went to get their license, failed to stop before crossing a RR (in fact, they sped right across it), completely screwed up a three point turn around, ran over the curb, and still got their license. And, surprisingly, they still can't drive (GOOD) now. Frankly, the DMV will give a license to a monkey with $30.

Also, another mutual friend of ours ran two red lights (all of this is from the same DMV) and still got her license. So, maybe it isn't as miraculous as planned.

And, anywho, that is a short summary of what has been up. Honestly, I'm just glad the first semester of my last year of high school is OVER. It was way more trouble than it was worth. Now I just have Nursing Fundamentals for the first two periods, Latin III Honors and Health Science Advanced Studies (instead of Holocaust Lit.) Ahhh..


Also, I love and miss my sister! I hope she had a wonderful time in Hawaii and I hope she'll give a full summary on her blog! I also can't wait to go there with her in June! ;)

Love & Light,
T. Smith

(P.S. - I'm going to try and update my health blog with other things, such as spirituality, thanks to inspiration from Youtubers TheSoulfulVegan and TipToeChick. I'm excited and will probably begin posting tomorrow)

... also

Bronchitis? Laryngitis? A cold? Who knows! I've been starting to lose my voice because of a tone of mucus in my throat... but I have no fever and no sore throat. It's beginning to go to my nose (so the mucus can FINALLY leave) but I still have to feeling that I need to cough stuff up. I also have minor chest tightness, so it MIGHT be a small case of Bronchitis? Either way, I'm getting and feeling better (despite the fact that I'm sporting some gray sweats today).

Alright, I really am done now.

Love & Light & Peace,
T. Smith

Guns and Stress

It's been (as usual) an interesting couple of weeks.

First, I want to address the tragedy that occurred last Friday in Connecticut. Twenty-six amazing individuals are no longer with us, because a man who was possibly not "right-in-the-head" got his hands on an assault weapon and found the deepest evil in his heart. It is beyond me how someone could desire to do that.
Furthermore, there needs to be certain laws put in place to present thing from happening. A psychiatric evaluation should be conducted before the purchase and certification to owe ANY lethal weapon, and these evaluations need to be kept up-to-date as long as the individual has possession of the weapon. Assault weapons, those used to WARFARE, should NOT be sold to the general public, period. Now, how to remove the currently owned assault weapons, I'm not sure, but these rules should be put in place now.

Ok, off my soapbox.

This has been the busiest week of my life. I know, I probably say that every week, but I am up to my eyeballs in homework. Mainly the cursed class that I have no idea WHY I took.. anatomy. If you aren't familiar with the class, look up Hell in the encyclopedia. After this week is done, I swear I'll be sittin' pretty and happy.

In other news, I took the TEAS-V, or the Test of Essential Academic Skills, test yesterday. I had to make proficient in order to still be considered for the RIBN program. Sadly... I...
MADE IT! :) I made proficient! It only took me two hours too. So now I'll just do my FAFSA, make sure my application for Mitchell's nursing is complete, and hope, wait, and pray for Spring to come quickly.

In other OTHER news, it's less than a week from Christmas and I haven't gotten squat (don't worry, I'm ordering today!) and I'll get to see my sister next Tuesday! I can't wait to spend time with her and just forget about the fact that I'm about to graduate and still have to present for my Senior project..

Anywho, I should probably get back to doing the anatomy I've been complaining about. I just haven't updated this is a while and wanted to keep it relevant!

Love & Light & Peace,
In remembrance of every soul freed at Sandy Hook,
T. Smith

This too shall pass.

"Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay. "

 - Nothing Gold Can Stay
   By Robert Frost

 A great, great poem by my favorite poet, Robert Frost.

So life has been interesting. One part of it only, but large enough to really matter. It's something that shouldn't be stressful, but is, because it involves a decision. I'm not good with deciding because I worry about others' opinions too much. I'm also not good with standing up for myself if it's something I know will personally effect me. But, that's what I'm going to have to do. And in the end, it's to benefit me, my feelings, and my future. I can't be stressed during high school, college, etc. If it's something I can prevent stress-wise, why shouldn't I?

All I can do is breathe and focus on the important things. I have to make sure my decisions are based from my priorities and what I really want.

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on."
- Robert Frost



Love & Light & Peace,

T. Smith

Grades grades grades...

So these past two weeks have been whacky, grade and life wise.

Last week with grades was.. interesting.
I got a 94 on my research paper. Now, it's an A-, sure, but I can do better. I knew it wasn't my best work, but it really was the best I could do with my information and topic, at least I thought so.
Anatomy has been.. hm. Lots of work, not actually learning except for from the work we do, and feeling overloaded.
I made a 70 on a recent computer exam on the Nervous System. There was only 20 questions and they're 5 points each. I usually do well, so it was kind of a kick in the stomach. Then again, I think my brain was on a different wave.. something else happened that day.

But, despite all of that, I'm improving. I'm still keeping up with all of my work and I made a 90 on a blood and immune system exam today.
I also got 7 chapters of anatomy work, having to read Frankenstein, anatomy packets on the way, and studying for all sorts of tests in between.. all before Christmas break. Not to mention anatomy work during break.

And.. senior project. *shivers* I have almost everything complete.. I just have to do tweaking and organizing. I really hope I am "proficient" enough to graduate in the eyes of the panel.

Only one thing on my mind until next semester..

Gotta remember where women have come in the past century and the responsibility I have to take every opportunity I can.

Love & Light & Peace,
T. Smith

Rime of the Ancient "Frankenstein"

After neglecting this for about a week, I think it's time to do some updating. I'll put three separate posts to organize it a bit better.

I am drawn to literature. I've always known that it's been in me, but it really is coming out lately.
Before starting Frankenstein, we read Rime of the Ancient Mariner by Samuel Taylor Coleridge.
Long story short, because it is a long poem, the Mariner learns to love all of God's creatures, because they are all beautiful in God's eyes. He is also cursed - he can never die and must go tell people about his tale, usually people who are about to make a life-changing decision.
The description of it was really beautiful, particularly when the Mariner has his realization -

"Beyond the shadow of the ship,

I watched the water-snakes:

They moved in tracks of shining white,

And when they reared, the elfish light

Fell off in hoary flakes.

Within the shadow of the ship

I watched their rich attire:

Blue, glossy green, and velvet black,

They coiled and swam; and every track

Was a flash of golden fire."

 

Afterward his dead shipmates (you really have to read it to understand it all) are animated and move about

the ship performing their duties to make the ship move. They haven't come back to life, though. Kind-spirits

have entered their bodies to help the Mariner. Again, beautiful in a weird way. It reminds me of how Poe 

writes - Coleridge really makes death, loneliness and guilt feel real and puts imagery to each.

 

We then got into Frankenstein by Mary Shelley. I knew it wasn't like the Frankenstein monster that we've

all grown up to know, but had no idea it went into such depth of human emotion. It also has a great story

around it.

I will summarize the entire thing once I'm done, but it's great to begin with. You even get to get inside the

mind of Frankenstein's creature, and what he's been through.

 

 I guess this is my English-loving side coming out! I didn't think I would enjoy senior English as much as I do.

Love & Light & Peace,

T. Smith